May not be perfect

If you’re anything like me, then you’ve daydreamed extensively about signing your first publishing contract. For me, this moment came at the end of long years of drafting and hoping and redrafting and wishing and reredrafting. There had been crushing rejections and moments of hope, encouragement and criticism, and a whole lot of determination.

This moment deserves to be dreamt about. This was my dream:

I’d be sitting in a sunlit room with books shelved artfully across the walls. You know, like in those period dramas where the hero and heroine don’t appreciate all the time they have to lounge around in spacious mansions.

I’d have acquired a chaise lounge. Now, I’m not entirely certain I’ve ever sat on one of these, but in my imagination I’m hecking comfy. Half sitting, half lounging. Totally elegant.

I’d be wearing the prettiest dress. Since I spend most of my life in dungarees, I would have apparently had a major wardrobe overhaul. Oh, and my hair would be up in a bun – a classy one with delicate tendrils around my miraculously blemish-free face.

I’d have a quill. Got to have a great big quill to sign anything of importance. And the contract would be on impressive card – the kind where you can tell someone has chopped down an extra special tree to make it.

The biggest thing – I’d feel happy. I’d feel successful. I’d feel like everything I’d been working for had come together. I’d know – in this perfect moment – that I’d made it.

Perhaps you don’t picture your moment of signing in the same way. You might even be more realistic than me and not expect a random mansion and a chaise lounge and a quill. You might expect that you’ll sign electronically and will probably have a spot on your forehead.

But I wonder if the feeling is what we want, when we strip away everything else. A moment to sit back and see our signature on a contract and say to ourselves, you’ve done it.

After all my dreaming, I would have settled for that. If I could have had a moment of gentle acceptance, that would have been lovely. Sadly, I didn’t feel much of anything when I signed my first publishing contract.

A week before my contract came through, my mum had a brain aneurysm. Six days before signing, my mum had surgery to clamp the artery in her brain and my mother-in-law had a planned stent replacement. My mum continued to have more surgeries over the next week, while my mother-in-law slowly came off breathing support. The day when I signed my contract, both my mum and mother-in-law were still in hospital.

(I want to interject here and say that both mums are now happy and healthy. They have recovered incredibly well and are back to their old selves.)

I almost put off signing. I’d had this perfect image in my head for so long and even though real life would never live up to it, anything had to be better than this. I decided to go ahead in the end. My mum is one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I knew she would be so cross at me for not signing.

I made sure my husband took a picture as I squiggled on our iPad. Under all the worry and sadness, I knew this was a big moment. I knew this was what I’d worked for and fought to achieve for a very long time. I knew I’d want to remember this monumental moment.

But at the time, I was incredibly numb. Signing with a publisher for the first time – my dream coming true – felt like nothing compared to both mums being happy and healthy. My brain was entirely taken up with them and there was nothing left for anything else, not even something so important and special.

The thing I’d forgotten to take into account as I dreamed about signing my contract, is that life doesn’t stop. We very rarely have those perfect days that are just good. There is always mix of highs and lows. Often they aren’t at such dramatic ends of the scale, but even on a lovely day we might step in a puddle or stub our toe.

Months have passed now, and both mums are well. Life has quietened down a little, and I can look back and feel so incredibly happy and proud about signing my first publishing deal. That moment wasn’t at all what I dreamed of – didn’t come remotely close – but it was an achievement and I have to keep telling myself it is real.

It’s hard not to elevate moments like this in our lives. We live in a society that celebrates the highlights reel. We only catch glimpses of the struggles. It’s easy to think that other people have perfect moments and we will too.

I guess what I want to say is, it’s okay for a moment you’ve longed for and worked for and dreamt of to be nothing like what you imagined it would be. It’s okay to feel a mix of emotions when you take a significant step forward with your writing. Life doesn’t stop and joyful moments don’t have to be purely joyful.

I am so happy my mum is well and my mother-in-law is too. I am so proud of signing my first publishing contract. It wasn’t what I imagined, but it is real.

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But not the first

I started writing my first novel about ten years ago. It was a speculative YA that I worked my bum off to make the very best it could be before I sent it off to agents. While querying that, I wrote a (terrible) YA trilogy set during a zombie apocalypse. After that, I wrote two more YA stories, both contemporary and both a little sad (but there were great animal sidekicks so it wasn’t all bad).

I wrote a YA dystopian that landed me an agent. Unfortunately, that relationship broke down (you can read more about that here), but I didn’t stop writing. I turned towards writing for adults instead. I wrote a couple of sci-fi novels set after the end of the world (with even more animal sidekicks whom I love with all my heart).

I wrote a couple of crime standalones, and the start of a crime series focused on a couple of detectives whose personal lives were about as dysfunctional as they could get. I also wrote a handful of romcoms, giggling to myself as I wrote sex scenes.

The first in the crime series about the two detectives will be published in October by Canelo Crime. It’s called Shot in the Dark (find out more about it here) and I could not be prouder of it. I’m so excited that I get to hang out with these characters and write more stories about them.

But Shot in the Dark wasn’t the first book I wrote. It wasn’t even the second or third. I’m fairly certain I’ve forgotten a couple of the stories I’ve scribbled down in the ten years since I started writing (there may be one about someone who pushed someone down some stairs – I can’t quite remember! And there’s defo a spy novel in there somewhere…)

I feel a multitude of feelings about these stories. Gratitude, that they got me to the point of writing Shot in the Dark. Joy, because I love hanging out with all my imaginary friends. Love, because writing is all I want to do, even if the stories are only ever for me.

I feel some negative stuff too. It was hard to shelve my first novel after querying it for a year and getting nothing but rejections. The novel I worked on with my first agent has a whole load of complicated feelings mixed up in it that aren’t its fault. I think some of them are awful and some of them have potential. I long to go back and work on some of them, but some I am quite happy to leave in a drawer.

I don’t think any of them were a waste.

I’ve been talking to a few fellow writers recently and have noticed an attitude that stories that don’t get published are wasteful. A waste of their time and effort, a waste of moments they could have been with family and friends, a waste of creativity they could have used to work on the novel that would go somewhere.

This makes me feel sad. I can’t see every story before Shot in the Dark as anything other than a necessary and precious stepping stone towards writing the novel that would be my publishing debut.

For me, writing in and of itself is ultimately a joyful thing. Underneath all the tough times all us writers go through, there is a golden thread of joy that keeps us coming back to storytelling even when the odds feel stacked against us.

That joy means that these stories that come before our debut can’t be a waste, because they made us happy. I sit (in terrible positions that wreck my back) and escape into other people and worlds and I love it.

I think we sometimes think about stories as wasteful because we’ve lost sight of that joy. It’s still there, waiting, but we’ve become too focused on other stuff.

It can feel like publishing is the be all and end all, but it’s not. We have to remind ourselves that it’s secondary. You might be thinking, but Anna, you have a publishing deal. But there were so many years when I didn’t. So many stories I wrote because the characters wouldn’t stop nattering away to me and I chased a thread of a story onto the page.

I am so delighted that people will read one of my stories, but I loved writing it regardless. If Shot in the Dark wasn’t being published, I wouldn’t consider any of the time spent writing it as a waste. It was really fun to write and challenged me technically, and that is only ever a good thing – whether or not the words captured a publisher’s interest.

Don’t let the fight to become published steal your writing joy. I know how hecking hard finding an agent (I’ve done it twice!) and publisher is, but it’s not what really matters. What matters is you spending your life doing something you love – stealing moments whenever you can to escape to other worlds and find joy.

There is a not-so-subtle message in our world that those things without monetary value are worthless. This can translate really easily into our writing – every book that doesn’t sell is a waste. This is something we have to break free from. Creating is a beautiful thing to do, whether or not it’s bringing in the big bucks.

It would be so lovely for writing to provide for some or all of our income, but that doesn’t mean that any writing that doesn’t bear financial fruit is worthless.

I think because publishing a novel is often at the forefront of our minds, it can feel like there is a rush towards writing the thing that will capture an agent or publisher’s interest. We can put undue pressure on ourselves to be writing that amazing thing now, and resent time spent on projects that didn’t go anywhere.

It can be really hard looking at others who are publishing books and wondering if you will ever get there. I did it for a long time. But while wondering, I wrote. And what a lovely thing to take solace in.

I knew that each story strengthened my skills. Each character was a new imaginary friend. Each project I worked my hardest on proved to myself that I could do this thing again and again.

Particularly after I parted ways with my first agent, I had a dark moment when it felt like all that had come before was a waste. I’d thought I was a step closer to one of my books winging its way into the world, and I was wrong.

I comforted myself with writing something new. Writing brought me joy and peace. I loved doing this thing. It didn’t make the setbacks less gutting, but it did mean I could turn to something joyful and light when times were hard.

Don’t let critical voices in your head tell you that projects you’ve had to shelve are a waste. They’ve brought you here and they’ve kept you company. They’ve brought you joy.

Keep writing – for the pure hecking fun of it.

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Things I wish someone had said to me before my book was submitted to publishers

Being on submission to publishers is a weird, mysterious time. There’s a certain level of secrecy around the whole thing, which sometimes becomes not talking about it at all. At least not publicly. I wanted to chat about the things I wish I’d been told before my book was sent to publishers.

IT WILL BE HARDER THAN YOU THINK

The main thing people share about being on submission is that it’s hard. Foolishly, I didn’t listen to this (which I realise doesn’t exactly bode well for you listening to me…). I convinced myself that because I’d queried three novels, I knew what this time was going to be like. I’d received hundreds of rejections from agents, so waiting on responses and getting passes from publishers couldn’t be much worse, right?

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Silly past Anna.

Being on submission to publishers is really different. Lots of the elements look vaguely the same – rejection, lots of waiting, impostor syndrome becoming your bestie – but with the added bonus of YOUR DREAM IS ONE STEP AWAY FROM BECOMING TRUE. Very unhelpfully, I kept thinking to myself, ‘I could get an email today that would change my life.’ What a ridiculous amount of pressure to put on my inbox.

I’m not going to pretend that my experience of submission wasn’t easy compared to a lot of people’s. I was lucky enough to get a deal with my first book, and relatively quickly as well. But even so, the experience was so much harder than I thought it would be.

I wish I’d realised that and minimised stress in other areas of my life where possible. While on submission, I also had my house up for sale and was dealing with some tough health stuff. There were points when I felt completely overwhelmed, unable to carry anything else and unsure how to keep trucking.

Being on submission is wearing and absolutely so much harder than expected. The rest of this post focuses on how to make it a little easier.

WRITE SOMETHING STUPID

Another bit of advice (which I actually listened to this time – go me!) was that you should write something new while on submission. So that’s what I did. Until I couldn’t anymore.

I started getting anxious every time I sat down to write. I thought I was doing the right thing, so I forced myself to carry on, but the feeling got worse and worse. I would try to write my story but all I could think about were editors who might be reading (and rejecting) my other story.

I realised, after stepping back, that I was writing a serious thing that I could go on submission with next. So obviously, every time I tried to write it my mind went straight to the book I already had on submission.

I wasn’t able to write anything sensible while on submission, so instead I wrote something stupid.

I’d had an idea for a while about a Teen Wolf fanfic I wanted to try. I hadn’t had the time before, but all the other ideas that usually demanded my attention felt too scary. So instead, I wrote something I knew would never get published (except on AO3) and was purely fun.

It was incredible. I loved writing it. And it totally distracted me for great swathes of time from the grind of being on submission.

Try writing sensible stories when you’re on submission. Maybe you’re not like me and you can fall into the story and forget all about what’s going on in editors’ inboxes. But if you’re like me, try writing something fun. You’ll keep the words flowing and be ready to launch into more serious projects when the time comes.

This is an area where you can release yourself from some stress and pressure. Figure out if the project you’re writing while on submission is a joy or a chore, and change things up if you need to. Any writing (even werewolf humping) is going to help hone your craft. Writing something else is good advice – but it doesn’t have to be anything you don’t enjoy.

Side note – I also found it hard to read anything sensible at this time. I’m an avid reader, so a slump felt really weird to me. KU became my friend – short, fun stories that I didn’t have to think about too much helped me until books didn’t feel so scary anymore.

DON’T DO YOUR RESEARCH

Before we went on submission, Saskia (my lovely agent) sent me a list of publishers we were going to submit to. Even if your agent doesn’t do this, then there’s the temptation to google the heck out of editors looking for work in your genre.

DON’T DO IT!

Apart from a cursory check that none of them were in fact pirates, I did very little research about the editors Saskia was sending my work to. This kept me sane as the passes came in, as I’d not allowed myself to form a connection with any given editor. Only after someone showed interest did I go over to their website and find out more about them.

This is counter-intuitive, as while querying agents we gobble up every bit of information we can about them to make our query as strong as possible. But this is where your agent comes in. It’s their job to find the best suited publishers to send your work to. You have to trust that they are doing their job well and let them shoulder knowing editors well.

YOUR INBOX IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

So stop spending so much time with it! (I’m speaking to myself. I won’t listen. Gah.)

I honestly cannot tell you how many times a day I checked my emails while on submission. At times, I didn’t even think about it. The muscle memory was so ingrained that I’d be cooking pasta and find myself staring at my inbox. I didn’t know how I’d gotten from one to the other.

I had brief periods where I was a good egg and only checked them twice a day – both times when my husband was around to give me cuddles. BRIEF.

Most of the time, I treated my inbox like a friend. But one who ghosted me for long periods and then turned on me.

This constant checking definitely made me more anxious. It’s something I still struggle with as I now wait on emails from my editor. If you have self-control, exercise it in this area. Become accountable – and make sure people will tell you off if you check too much. Take your emails off your phone so that you can’t look every few seconds.

Hopefully, one day you’ll get an offer email. But in the meantime, you don’t need to torture yourself by looking at an empty inbox one thousand times a day.

Side note – one thing that made me less anxious about my emails was the subject my agent used. Saskia made sure the content of the email was abundantly clear straight away, so I didn’t have to do that panicked scrolling thing. It’s a good idea to ask your agent about how and when they are going to pass on feedback – make sure it’s a way that helps you.

OTHER WRITERS ARE THE BEST

The best. EVER.

Being on submission is a time when you need a group of people you can rant to and cry with and scream at (in joy. Mostly). Non-writers are okay, but even the most book-loving chum will often need some explanation.

But other writers get it. Even if they’ve not been on submission yet, they know what rejection feels like. They know the waiting sucks. They share in what you’re going through.

I don’t know what I would have done without my writing chums. They proved yet again (and you know who you are, you hotties) that they are super-human. They put up with all my angsting and SHOUTING and every bit of nonsense I threw at them.

They were also there with me (in spirit, since they stupidly live far away) when I got good news and couldn’t stop crying.

Find yourself some chums to chat about being on submission with. Reach out to more experienced writers and ask if it’s always going to be so hard (they will say helpful things). Don’t try to do this thing alone, because there are going to be times when you’ll need someone to hold your hand (or if you’re me, give you MANY hugs).

I hope being on submission has a happy ending for you. Please take care of yourself in every way you can. It’s a brutal experience, but the goal is worth it.

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